I noticed today that the Holy Taco Church site has been taken down. This saddens me, but I also accept it as part of life on the Internet. That said, there’s a post I did on there a while ago that I really liked, and I didn’t want it to vanish from posterity. So, in order for people (and search engines) to be able to find it, I repost it here.
The recipe is real, by the way. Let me know if you try it.
Food is Fuel
Now, you all know me. I’m against fun. You think that’s a joke. You think I am kidding. Let me assure you that I am not kidding. I am deadly serious. I am have never been more serious in my entire fucking life. You can call me a stick in the mud. You can say that I’m pooping on your cloud. “Why does Myke have to ruin everything? Why doesn’t Myke like fun?”
I’ll tell you why.
The enemy isn’t having fun.
The enemy is training to kill you.
And this is where the taco church has got it all dead wrong.
Sure, it’s great to poke fun at established ecumenical infrastructure. Sure, it’s great to celebrate exotic cuisine. But ask yourselves, how is the Church preparing you for the day that a horde of ideologically opposed adversaries comes pouring out of that treeline?
Fortunately for you, Mr. No-Fun-At-All isn’t mad at you for teasing him about being no fun at all. He’s with the government and he’s here to help.
The Church would have you believe that food is some kind of paean of praise. It’s a flour tortilla packed with explosions of cilantro goodness.
It’s not. Food is fuel. It runs the machine that you will use against the enemy. The more efficiently you fuel it, the more efficiently it will run when it comes time to put up or fail your nation, your family, and everyone else whose accusing eyes you’d rather not have haunting your postwar nightmares.
So let’s dispense with the most fun aspect of food – flavor. Screw flavor. Nobody needs that kind of frivolity. We need to deliver a protein punch straight to your muscles in as little time, and with as little joy, as possible. To do this, you will need:
– 1 fish fillet. A flaky whitefish, such as Tilapia or Cod works best. If you can find a fish that has led a life of asceticism and public service, so much the better. That shit is in the DNA.
– Some fat free milk. Fatted milk is fun. That crap doesn’t fly on my watch.
– Bread crumbs. Plain, ungarnished, unadorned breadcrumbs. No sparkles. No mamby-pamby “herbs and spices.” These crumbs should come from the bread of affliction, they should be made from the crusts thrown to prisoners of war.
– Some olive oil. This may sound like an extravagance, but it’s actually necessary to lubricate the protein punch in order to deliver it to your body that much faster.
– A galley, mess prep deck, or what those nice folks in the army colloquially call a “kitchen.” This facility should have an oven, bowls, spoons and forks and most importantly KNIVES. The knives are critical. Because if the enemy busts in on you while you’re in the process of following the instructions I’m about to lay out, you will not give ground. You will make the enemy fight for every inch. And you will do it with whatever is to hand. And if there are no knives, you’ll be fighting with a wet Tilapia fillet, in which case I seriously doubt your chances.
Follow these steps. Do not deviate from them. Do not exercise your special-snowflake individuality and get creative here. These steps are high-speed, low-drag, wind-tunnel-tested. Better warriors than you laid down their lives to perfect them. You owe it to their memory to do them right.
1.) Take the Tilapia fillet and soak it in the milk. Are you smiling? Not on my fucking watch you’re not.
2.) Take the Tilapia fillet that is now soaked in milk per step 1 detailed above, and cover it in the bread crumbs. If you notice herbs and spices in said bread crumbs, or sparkles, or anything that isn’t a by God BREAD CRUMB, you are WRONG.
3.) Take the now breaded Tilapia fillet and drizzle (do not dump, do not flick, do not sprinkle. Drizzling is the only authorized application method) it with one (1) tablespoon of olive oil.
4.) Place the now breaded and lubricated Tilapia fillet on a piece of tin foil. The dimensions of the tin foil shall not exceed the edges of the fillet by a surface of more than three (3) inches. Any material other than tin foil is unauthorized.
5.) Place the prepared fillet in the broiler of the oven of the food preparation facility described above. The broiler should now be set to broil.
6.) Retrieve one of the knives described above, put your back to the wall. Check your danger areas, watch the exits. Stay sharp.
7.) Wait seven (7) minutes. Do NOT lose situational awareness. Watch those exits.
8.) Retrieve the fish fillet from the broiler. Allow it to cool only as long as necessary to consume it without damaging your internal mechanisms. You will need them functional to stay in the fight.
9.) Consume the fish fillet as quickly as possible. Remember, you are vulnerable while eating. The faster it’s done, the faster you can get back on overwatch. Remember that frivolous olive oil? Bet you’re glad of it now. That fillet should go down in a few bites.
10.) Get back in the fight. Your country needs you.
That’s how eating gets done. Your body is refueled. You are on point: Locked up and locked on. Ready for anything.
So, sure, go ahead and make fun of the guy who’s no fun. But when you’re standing atop a mountain of the skulls of your defeated enemies, and basking in the adulation of a grateful nation, maybe, just maybe, you’ll remember the guy who taught you how to gas up and get back in the ring with minimum downtime and even less joy.
And if not, that’s fine. It’s just one of the many things I’m happy to do for my country.
Eat up, and get back to work.